Jokes

man goes to doctors for c**k extension. Doc suggests baby elephant trunk stitched on for £3000. Man agrees. 6 weeks later while having dinner withnew woman he feels an unusual strring in his pants & thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his c**k flys outsteals an apple off the table & goes back, Wow she says can you do that again, He says my c**k can but I dont think my arse cantake another apple

scoucer walks in to a job center & tells the assistant "i'm hard working, honest & desperate for a job", the assistant replys "that's fortunate, we have just got one in. We need a chauffur for a millionaire, which includes looking after his twin nympho daughters whilst overseas trip, it comes with a salary of 200k a year". The scouser says "your bullshitting me..." the assistant replies, "you f*****g started it!

a couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back & tell about afterlife. Husband dies first & made contact "glagys" 'is that you fred?' "Yes, I've come back to tell you what its like. I have sex then breakfast , then off to golf course, then more sex. I sunbathe, then more sex again. Lunch, romp round golf course, then sex all afternoon. then supper, & more sex" 'Oh fred, you must be in heven' "No I'm a f*****g rabbit in norfolk"

who is the president of outer space ........................ ronald ray gun

omg showin ya age there vince .

i was shoping in HMV in london and asked if they had anythin by the doors the manager said yes ya scouse c**t we got 2 security guards so dont try anythin.......

come on thats some funny s**t i was decked when a heard it granted its stupid like me and i was rather

ok joke attempt 2 wots the difference between FRIENDS and M.A.SH ......... ginger kids can make mash

no more jokes after a night shift ok .#

i got a joke who's looses his tag's twicwe in a round to kop


VINCE

pmsl

what do you call a black who has lost twenty stone








lenny henry

i let ya have em cos scousers dont get much unless they steal it

eh eh eh

BREAKING NEWS ; iceland aint seen this much white dust since kerry katona was doing there adverts

and a not just finished nights kop so laugh or i drive down to eh eh eh land and kick u in the balls

today martina navaratilova recived some good news from the doctors, her breast cancer had not spread to her testicles

brakin news all flight from uk to be banned untill monday due to danger of dust .


air india and pakistan to operate as normal

a was gonna put that one up cop but wasnt sure how well it would go down . incase we had lovers of the ethnic brothers hahahahah

You are driving at a constant speed: on your left is a sheer drop, on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and travelling at the same speed as you. Behind you is a helicopter travelling at ground level and travelling at the same speed as you. What do you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get the fook off the kiddies merry-go-round, you pissed up b*****d!

my chinese m8 keeps sending me funny texts and at the end he always rights ror . i asked him wot ror means and he said simple _ raffing out roud

ror

That one is brirriant

the kids next door want a water fight... thought i'd come and tell you while i wait for the kettle to boil......

just got my postal ballet paper through this years an easy decision vote for the icelandic volcano party ..... they done more to stop immagration in the last 5 days than labour did in 10 years

a woman on her death bed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bad... Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 cash. "Whats the eggs for?" asks the husband. She replied " Every time we had bad sex I would put an egg in the box". "Not bad" says the husband, 3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" he asks. "Every time i got a dozen I sold em for a quid!" replies his wife

Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch. Teacher asked him what's wrong. Embarrased, he said he'd just been circumcised & was itchy. Teacher told him to go & ring his mum for advice. He comes back with his c**k hanging out! Teacher asks "what on earth are you doing?" "Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out till lunchtime she'd come and get me

TOOT TOOT.Good 1 Daze

A foul mouthed ugly comman fat woman walks in to asda dragging two dirty brats with her, the greeter says "good morning madam, what a beautiful children you have, are they twins?" she says "stupid bas***d, she`s 7 he`s only f*****g 3 why would you think they were twins dickhead" greeter says " because i can`t imagine anyone shagging you twice!"

The World Cup so far is exactly like WW2.
France and Italy surrender early, the Yanks come in late, Japan get a suprise victory and
the English face off against
the Germans.

a guy whispers into a womans ear "id love to fill your fanny with stella and drink it all" the woman runs over to her husband and say arent you gunna kick the s**t out of him "nah" he says "im not fighting any fucker that can drink 25 pints of stella"

LOL that one made me chuckle

lol reminds me of a night in a bb in blacjpool ...

The Liverpool FC manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

*Cringe*

Cops in Alabama found a black man who'd been whipped, castrated, scalped, shot in the back 6 times, clubbed, set on fire, had his tongue cut out, drowned, disemboweld and then hung! Sherriff Kenny K Keller said "This is the worst case of suicide i've ever seen"

HAHAHA...I think that was West Virginia Bully.

row row row ya boat gently down the stream if ya live in pakistan yal need a submarine

Tom Mabe and try not to piss yourself:

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=ae3_1275205354

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=410_1202480506

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=39e_1260148350

http://tommabe.com/videos.php
_________________________________________
Evil ^^
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=57e_1274033329
GG
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8b8_1271287696
GG
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f93_1271292168

I love the telemarketer one, even though I shouldn't, they are just doing their job.

Quite impressed with Tom Mabe. Haven't come across him before, but his pranks seem mildly intelligent.

little johnnys teacher says-
whoever can answer the following questioncan have half a day off school
who said-.......ask not what your country can do for u but-...
before johnny could open his mouth.nancy shouts"john f kennedy"
teacher says very good nancy u can go
teacher asks-...."who said - i have a dream"
before johnny can open his mouth mary shouts-"martin luther king"
teacher says very good mary u can go home
johnny is ragin and just as the teacher turns her back johnny say
"i wish those bitches would keep their fuckin mouths shut"
teacher swings round and shouts who said that 2
johnny quickly replies "tiger woods miss see u tomorrow"

rofl :!:

...You are the angel of death man...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt5tA8jr3Y0

how do ya get a fat bird into bed ....................................................
................................piece of cake

Copied this from PBBans forums. It made me spit coffee all over my keyboard lol


> The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The > IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. > The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no > full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money > gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." > > "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a > demonstration?" > > The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, > "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." > > The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." > > Ralph removes hi s glass eye and bites it. > > The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand > dollars that I can bite my other eye." > > The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. > > Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. > > The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, > with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. > > "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand > dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that > wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in > between." > > The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and > decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees > again. > > Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he > strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on > other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. > > The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major > loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in > his hands. > > "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. > > "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd > been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he > could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy > about it."

vincefantastic wrote:row row row ya boat gently down the stream if ya live in pakistan yal need a submarine

HAHAHAAHAHAH ::

@Vandal

Thats a good one I heard it about a guy who walks into a bar dose the bet thing with a guy on the pool table then pisses all over the bar trying to get it in a pint pot on the back shelf.

Orford wrote:@Vandal

Thats a good one I heard it about a guy who walks into a bar dose the bet thing with a guy on the pool table then pisses all over the bar trying to get it in a pint pot on the back shelf.

You did what Orford :O xD

Not really a joke but lol.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGBEoFwlbwg

LMFAO @ the china man 1 LMFAO

new at IKEA:-
"LESBIAN BED"
no screwing involved its all tongue and groove

In Google map get direction from Japan to China, Not looking forward to the 430mile jet ski across the pacific.



For those that cannot see it, Instruction 43 says Jet Ski across pacific

because we all love jet skiing